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PickleBack

THE MEET

I met PickleBack in May of 2010. It was a Saturday and my dear, dear friends got engaged that morning. To celebrate, we sailed and drank champagne all afternoon. Appropriately, all the other girls were wearing sweetheart sundresses, so I’m not really sure why I was dressed like the blonde lady in Jurassic Park, but I was. Once we got back to solid land, the party carried on at a local bar. As soon as news spread that we were celebrating an engagement, felicitations in the form of champagne toasts and shots arrived in our direction. One rather handsy gentlemen, let’s call him PickleBack, said I had nice legs and proffered pickle-backs. (This is a shot of whiskey followed directly by a shot of pickle juice.) I was glowing with Jameson and compliments, so I gave him my number.

THE FIRST DATE

PickleBack invited me to his apartment to sample four Pinot Noirs from different regions and different vintages. It sounds fancy, which is why I really have to give this guy credit – he is a master craftsman and his trade is ONS (one night stands). If I had to bet, I imagine he’s had this same date with this same conversation with a hundred girls and I’m sure he’s probably W:99, L:1. Unfortunately for him, I’m the Ann Coulter to his Jack Donaghey – and you can’t joke a joker.

PickleBack: So, why don’t you come over to my place on Friday. I have four excellent Pinots that I think we should sample and compare.

What girls hear: I’m really sophisticated. I probably went to prep school.

What I heard: Booty call. My place. Not a school night. Two bottles each.

PickleBack: When’s your birthday? Not until October? Good. I won’t have to worry about it for another five months.

What girls hear: I can really see us lasting long term.

What I heard: I’d like you to think this will last beyond tonight.

PickleBack: My parents are dying for grandchildren.

What girls hear: I’m ready to have kids and I think you should be their mother.

What I heard: This is the point in the evening when I pretend I want kids.

PickleBack: My parents? Well my dad is 92 and my mom is 56 [PickleBack is 31, so just take a minute to do some quick calculations, don’t rush, it’s totally worth it].

What girls hear: My dad is loaded. Filthy, filthy rich. And I’m about to inherit it.

What I heard: Cha-ching! Whoa, sorry, but seriously the girls heard right.

PickleBack: [Stretches back] Ooh – I strained my back in squash this week, should we move to the couch?

What girls hear: Ooh – I strained my back in squash this week, should we move to the couch?

What I heard: Let’s make out. Right now. Right over there.

PickleBack: God, you are beautiful

What girls hear: Will you be my girlfriend?

What I heard: God, you are beautiful [Yeah, I know]

So, I’m more cynical than Thomas in the New Testament, but when you’re right, you’re right. I departed early that evening and never heard from him again. The End.

40 thoughts on “PickleBack

  1. I’ve always referedr to my spidey sense as “a mind like a steel trap”. I have this little hand motion I do along with it. I just love it when people underestimate who they’re dealing with, whether it’s in relationships or business or a combination of both. : )

    Nicely done!

  2. A man who lived next to the tracks,
    Drank twenty-five cold pickle-backs;
    He went out in the rain,
    He did not hear the train,
    He was thrown right out of his slacks.

    Compliments of Humorous Interludes

  3. Your translations are hilarious. There usually is a disparity between what men say and how women understand them. I had my own nightmare date once upon a time… apparently, “hang out” is not a platonic term when shared between a man and a woman. Go figure, right? ^_^

  4. Ah! Wilderness. Fortunately, those years are behind me. I now reside full time in the home of the mentally misbegotten, where the sun always shines and the truth is never more than a bathroom stop away. Good post on the evils of demon alcohol and perils of engagement.

  5. Nice. At least he was trying to be somewhat subtle. This dude went straight for the gold (explicitly saying I should join him at his airport hotel room for sex): http://scarfofpain.wordpress.com/2012/03/11/who-does-this-work-on/

    Then, has recontacted me with a different account and user name, I guess not remembering the above IM where I declined his generous offer. I’m taking a vote to see if I should play along to see what he says this time or he recognizes my pictures: http://scarfofpain.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/wow-hes-even-more-sketchy-than-i-thought/

    • This is quite funny, whats funnier is they don’t in most cases remember faces more than they remember types of speech. So if you are unique in the chat arena, try and sound like someone else or at least, less like yourself.

  6. Pingback: Follow up to Sketch IM Dude: Poll Result and Activity | Scarf of Pain and Other Funny Stories

  7. This was great to read! I’ve been out a few times with a guy who may have some potential, but “I hear” player statements left and right. He invited me over to his place to “Watch a movie and maybe listen to music.” Of course, I heard, “Have sex.” Men!

  8. One for the smart chick. Gotta love it. Hope the Pinot warranted your otherwise wasted time. You can have a canned conversation at home. Alone. Pinot is nice to share.

  9. I think I met that guy at a bar in Dallas once. Or maybe it was his evil twin. Nonetheless, the imagery was brilliant and you made me laugh out loud!! And thanks for stopping by my blog =D

  10. a beautiful girl in cargo shorts and hiking boots is way to smart for this guy. At least you learned a new vocabulary word–pickle back. does is take away tequila bite better than lemons?

  11. You know you could have saved yourself a whole evening your never going to get back now by telling him you were a Riesling type of girl. And spouted off how much sweeter and fruitier they are having been aged in steel vats in comparison to some dry oaky grape from a barrel, thus decimating him with your superior intellect and beating him at his own game. But then again, you wouldn’t have had such a wonderfully hilarious story to tell us afterwards. Kinda sounds familiar though. I think I know that guy. lol

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